Ghosts -
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So, as promised, here is the Carolyn Main and Riley Michael Parker Interview. Both of us wrote a bunch of questions, and then we answered each other's as well as our own. Here are the best fifteen Q's and A's from that session:
1. Who is your old-grossie, guilty-pleasure crush? Who is the oldest/grossest person that you WANT to have sex with?Carolyn Main: Ouch. Um... Old crush... It's Bruce Campbell. I've liked him since BRISCO COUNTY JR. You could set your watch to the cut of that man's jaw line. A couple of years ago it was Scott Bakula, AKA Sam Becket of QUANTUM LEAP. Or, actually, Al of QUANTUM LEAP is even kind of a total fox. Dean Stockwell. Sometimes, when I go to sleep, I like to debate myself on who I'd rather marry from QUANTUM LEAP, Al or Sam. Though, it is twenty some plus years later in real life... But the grossest golden oldie I would fuck? Who still rings my bell? HRMM! John Cleese? And, yes, I have pretty much always had this much good taste.
Riley: I'm sure that everyone is expecting my answer to be some jewey old man like Larry David or Woody Allen - hell, even I would expect that from me - but I'm not all that interested in those fellas, truth be told. I used to want to fuck Kathy Bates because I loved her in LOVE, LIZA, but I'm over that. The oldest woman I'm attracted to is Nicole Kidman. She's not my type physically, but she is one of my favorite actresses, right after Naomi Watts and Kate Winslet, and I respect the hell out of her. The grossest woman isn't gross at all, but I feel like most people don't share my attraction... I totally want to sleep with Beth Ditto. I have been listening to her sexy fucking music since I was sixteen, and I fell for her right away. She has such great fashion sense, and she seems totally down to earth. I saw her once in NE Portland, but I was in my friend's car and couldn't make a fool of myself. I'm sure my boyness would gross her the fuck out though, which sucks. The Gossip performed the last time I went to Bumbershoot, and I remember that Beth made this joke about there being "nothing top" about her. I don't remember the set-up, just the punchline and that I was swooning. If I had to go with an old Jew, I would probably pick Larry because he seems a lot more active, but I think both he and Woody - much like my writing partner Carolyn Main - would be experts at talking away my erection and that no sex would be had by anyone. I think I'd have better luck with Beth.
2. Have you ever been close to throwing in the towel? Have you considered quitting art and becoming something reasonable? When and where and why was that? How low was that pit of desperation? Which proverbial bootstrap was it that you pulled yourself up by?RMP: I haven't really considered giving up on art, not since I first began to take it seriously a few years ago. It is awful when you look at something you've written and realize that you're a shitty fucking writer, but that's just part of the process. You find the stuff that doesn't work, get rid of it, and keep going. I almost give up on life twice a month, but I never even consider giving up on my dreams.
CM: Er, yeah. I was in a relationship where we discussed marriage. I was 23-ish. I could not get a job in cartooning at all back then. I was good, but not great. Trying to keep my boyfriend happy got the heft of my energy, because he wasn't happy at all. Neither of us were. We had just realized that we were very different people far too late, on a spiritual level. He was raised Christian and struggled with that concept of God a lot, and I was a free-wheeling heathen at the time. Also, he was terribly jealous and hated me showing off my bosoms even a little, which would have been a funny thing if it wasn't so dang awful. I just wanted to have a comfortable life. I looked into becoming a surgical technician, but we broke up. It was a huge upheaval of a break up. I amused myself by going to the Animation Platform animation Festival, watching hundreds of cartoons, occasionally sobbing, and sidling up near a different ex-boyfriend with a beautiful penis. He showed me that penis again in a few months, when I was done hemorrhaging sorrow. Also, I got a job in an animation studio, from a guy I met at Platform. I wonder if I can see that penis again... One day, one day.
3. Your close friend opens a deli. Describe the sandwich named after you.CM: The Caronal Pleasure - Loose lips of beef, drapped with honeyed liquid. Oozing spices, juicy tomatoes ripened on the vine, gushing over spirals of beef engorged beyond the bready outcropping. Yeast, mustard, mayo, and protein. Plus a pickle and some sprouts. It looks like roast beef but tastes like tuna.
RMP: The RMP would have roasted turkey breast pulled from the bone, homemade pesto-mayo, tomato, lettuce, more pesto-mayo, and extra-sharp cheddar served on sourdough bread with a side of pasta salad (made with more pesto, more tomato, mushrooms, and fresh parmesan). If people tried to order the sandwich without the pasta salad they would be put on a list of people to kick the fuck out every time they dare step one goddamn foot into the deli. That's how great the combination would be.
4. When in your life did you first find yourself not hanging out with other kids, but spending time alone to "work on things?" Writing, drawing, or something else self-involved, but not entirely masturbatory.RMP: I've been that way my whole life, really. I was always working on something, but I used to be more of a collaborator and did most of my art and writing with friends. Now I do most of my art and writing alone, but I still work with friends on film and television projects. I guess I became more of an independent writer in 2002 or 2003, but I still work with friends from time to time. I never liked "having fun" though. I would sit around with friends and watch movies, chit-chat, do whatever other people consider a good time, but I would rather be working on something. I read for fun though, and watch movies alone.
CM: I have two sisters. The middle sister, for the most part, was very fun. But sometimes I wanted to be alone. I would go out to the backyard and dig a hole. I had a pretty good hole going. My old lady neighbor would ask if I was "Digging a hole to China." I think I was a bit suspicious of being teased - I didn't want to seem like I really thought I could get to china - and also I was a bit worried she was being old lady racist, plus I was busy, so I gave her a brisk "Uh-huh," but I was just digging to dig. I distinctly remember this time when my sisters were going to watch the movie THE PINK PANTHER. I was into if for the first five minutes, when it was a cartoon, but then it was all live action. I said "I'm gonna go work on my hole," and then I did. Would digging that hole be masturbatory? It was nice to be out under the moon light, barefoot in the soil, and to have a simple task. China or no. Then later I spent more time drawing.
5. You are captured by a mad scientist and taken to his secret lair. When you awake you find that you are in a cell with me, except all of my body has been surgically replaced with cheese. My skin is pepper jack, my hair string cheese, I bleed Velveeta, and my heart is a smoked gouda. Would you eat me to survive? I am still alive and it would hurt if you ate me. I would slowly bleed to death, and I do mean slowly, because Velveeta is thick. There is no other food and no way to escape. Eat me or die.RMP: I would eat you, but man, would I be constipated! Also, can you imagine the phlegm that would accumulate? I think I'd have a worse go of it than you, to tell the truth. My sodium levels would be through the roof! Wouldn't it be bitchin' if you were wearing a suit made of crackers? That would fucking rule.
CM: I would eat you! Or, try. I imagine you could still fight, though only with your feeble, soft, soft, crumbly hands. And You Are Made Of Food. I have the advantage. You are delicious. Yes, I would eat you! That seems to be why that situation presented itself! I hope whoever locked me up can have a good laugh as I eat the deus ex machina Cheese Man they put before me. Oh... You mean the Cheese Man is still you Riley? Yes I care about you. But you have to admit, we are fucked, and one of us is made of cheese now. What can be done? I would convince you to learn the Buddah trick of leaving your body at a chosen time, so you could die peacefully. Hopefully I will know that one by then. If you didn't listen to reason I might snap your neck, and then lick up its cheesy leakage. Then I would try and do something sexual to trick the scientist into letting me go. Once I had the awesome nutrients of my cheesiest friend powering me, the world is my cracker! My heart will go on.
6. Why do you think some people like the shittiest things? If you had a gun to your head, and a scary T.V. executive made you make the shittiest, most popular reality television show, and Stephen Baldwin were to host, what is the name of that show and how does one win it?RMP: I don't know. Everyone has guilty pleasures. I used to watch a lot of VH1 in 2007, back when I had cable. Remember I HATE MY 30's? I fucking loved that show! And I watched BEST WEEK EVER like fags watch E! (or better yet, like fags watch BEST WEEK EVER, 'cause it is totally a fag show for faggots). And I watched CELEBRITY FIT CLUB because who doesn't love the fuck out of Biz Markie? But I can't explain shows like TWO AND A HALF MEN or LOST or SEX AND THE CITY. Pure fucking garbage. If I had to make a shitty reality show with Stephen Baldwin it would be an hour long show split into two halves, called "CELEBRITY BABYDADDY" and "CELEBRITY BABYMAMA" respectively, with the latter being hosted by Jewel (remember her?). The show would have twenty single women, twenty single men, and three single celebrities of either sex - real bottom of the barrel types, like Kathy Griffin, Carrot Top (the slightly more feminine Kathy Griffin), and one of the Coreys (I don't care which one). The object of the game would be to knock up or get knocked up by a celebrity, (i.e. get yourself a fucking payday), and not get murdered in the process. The winner gets a lot of undeserved fame and money, then slowly unravels over the next six years on the cover of every checkstand magazine still in publication, that is until they eventually overdose or die in an "accident". As an added bonus, the child does a bunch of drugs before he/she even reaches double-digits, molests him/her-self because the adoptive parents are too busy trying to get on daytime television, and then writes a tell-all book that nobody reads because nobody ever really even gave a shit to begin with. The show would be on VH1, and I would totally fucking watch it if I had cable, which is why I don't and never will again.
CM: Stuff is so shitty because trying to make a show for the world to watch is too broad of a focus. People just set out to make stupid simple things that they think their dumbest friends would like. Then dumb begats dumb and viola - its a shit maelstrom. My show would be AMERICA'S BEST PORNO PROM, where porn Stars return to the small town they we born in, silicone, mustaches, and all, where they have to put on this years prom for their alma mater. They are in charge of organizing the teens, making decorations, enduring the glares and lusting of thier former teachers, while trying not to fuck any of the students who would all be way way horny, of course, but also nerdy and shy. We would get good shots of all thier lingering gazes at the porn stars, and each other. It would all be about the finale - who hooks up with who, and if our porn stars can stay sober. Ron Jeremy would host, and Kool Keith would play songs at the prom. Gwad, I wish this was a show.
7. Most mass-murderers are failed artists. If you weren't so damn good at what you do, who would you be killing and with what?CM: Haaaa, thanks for softening me up. I would like to kill... People who dont fuck me, even though I want them to... Wait... Isn't that everybody's serial killer dream? Okay, no... That wouldn't serve my higher cause... I would... Kill people who are rich, but talentless - people who are born into it, and don't use it well. People with no skill/ability/reason or an Earned Soul. A socialite. A hanger on of a socialites. A 5-times removed nobody that I could leave fluid soaked in a Hotel 8 dumpster and still get away with. Until the tabloids caught up with me! Oh, my online presence! Oh, my secret thoughts! Oh, my outlandish twitters! Slowly, surely, via social networking sites, they would creep up and pounce, just as soon as my raitings dropped... They would call me the Couture Vulture! Perez Hilton would draw dicks in my mouth! I mean, this is all if I had to kill people. Twist my arm
RMP: I would kill white men in their 40's, or possibly white twenty-something dude-bros, because those are the people who tend to give me dirty looks. No agenda, really. I just think those are the people most likely to start shit. Also racist metal-heads try and start shit with me whenever I see them, so they'd probably attract my attention and my murdering ways. I think I would use something blunt and heavy, like a log, or possibly a salami. I would spend a lot of time writing really cryptic letters, and bad poetry about the cryptic letters, and then send it to all the newspapers. The guilt would eat me up though, and I would turn myself in. I was raised in the church, you know.
8. If that evil T.V. executive I mentioned before were to also hold a polished revolver against your temple and demand for you to write the reality equivalent of "America's Next Top Chap Book Writer," what would the challenges on that show entail?RMP: There would be mope challenges, and who can write the longest without taking masturbation break challenges, and challenges where the writers have to go straight from bed to their computers and write first thing in the morning, no coffee, no web-surfing, no snacks or cumming or youtube videos. None of the writers would ever finish anything, and they would all hate each other, and the show would fail. Chuck Palahniuk already had this idea. It was called HAUNTED and it had four, maybe five good chapters/short stories and the rest was garbage. The good parts were fucking awesome though. HAUNTED is the last thing of his I even kind of liked, but he was pretty good once, years and years ago. I still like him as a fella, just not his work. He's a sweetey though.
CM: They would all live together. They would have to write an essay for every time they wanted a meal. A judge, lets say Sarah Vowell, would decide how good the essay was and feed you accordingly. Everyone would just get ramen at first, to break them down. The house would also have an unlimited whiskey fountain, craftede to look like Stephin King, and it would get increasingly more hateful and scary to drink from it. The challenges would be for the best visual description of the least and most attractive people in the competition. That would get some good tears. Then they would have to write their first chap book about the day they spent at the zoo with Danny Divito. When the loser was chosen, the loosing chap book would be thrown into a bonfire by a guy in a military uniform, and the remaining contestants would be given unlimited hot dogs and marshmallows. "You are not a good writer." The host would say. I think the host might be John Grisham.
9. Let's talk about food again. And sex. If you could live the George Costanza dream of sex, food, and television all at once, who and how would you fuck, what would you eat, and what would you watch.CM: Nice... The sex would be with Matt Berry, Doggie Stlye. I am drapped over the bed and I am reaching out and eating chocolate-covered strawberries. Well, I nibble on them, but mostly I am distracted by how hard I am being nailed. Yes. Right there. And it curves just right. Ungh. And I guess tv is on... I will finish it out with SNUFF BOX (Matt Berry's show). Yum. Because out of those options, sex is triumphant, and I will wrap my fantasy around the poster boy of my Tiger Beat Off Magazine. My partner, so long as I am dream-choosing him, deserves my primary attention, because I do not choose lightly. Our fucking would be no small undertaking. We are filming it for x tube and wearing masks, but his voice gives him away. I hope he never sees this (I hope he does!)!
RMP: I would fuck a pale, chubby brunette with great taste in film, music, and art, preferably a writer or a photographer, with her on top and wearing nothing but a grey cardigan, un-buttoned of course. I would be eating cheesecake and drinking coffee (lots of cream, just a touch of sugar). I like to watch cartoons in bed when I have the option (a habit picked up from watching Saturday morning cartoons as a kid), so I would probably want to watch something cartoonish. Nothing funny though - no VENTURE BROS. or BOONDOCKS or DR. KATZ - because I'd be too nervous of laughing away my arousal. COWBOY BEBOP would work for me, because the music is great and the pacing is nothing short of magnificent. Or MISSION HILL, even though it's a comedy, because it's the prettiest cartoon I've ever seen in my life, and if someone wants to fuck me they have got to be down with MISSION HILL.
10. What is the hint that lets you know, yeah, this person wants me to seduce them? What immediatly comes to mind as to whether or not you should?CM:If he invites me over, and offers me an intoxicant, he probably wouldn't mind banging me. Unless we are project buddies, wish is really the only people I hang out with these days. If we hang out, then he puts on a movie or some music. That is when the cuddling could start. If that touch feels good, I may let more happen. My choice of weather or not to fuck someone usually goes like, "am I attracted to him? Is he charming? Do I respect him, even a little? how shameful will it feel leaving? Does he seem like he is at least moderately sexually competent? Whould this change my social circles? Would I have anything to lose that I do not want to? Am I drunk? Am I lonely?" The choice to bang or not to bang is usually figured out based on the answers to those questions.
RMP: I usually know that a girl wants to be seduced if she says something like, "We should fuck," or "Let's have sex," or "Fuck my pussy, you pussy fucker." Also, if a girl gets naked, lays down, and opens her legs, then she probably wants it. Also, if a girl hands me a condom and says, "Put it on you, then in me, then cum in it, then throw it away or flush it or whatever you boys do with those things when you're done," then there's a pretty good chance that she wants to sleep with me. I am more inclined to sleep with women who are fun to be around, who don't want to get married any time soon, who aren't bat-shit crazy, and who have their own life. Everyone else remains unseduced.
11. You are driving and run over a gypsy, like in THINNER. What curse would cause you the most pain/shame/discomfort? Do not pick getting thin, getting fat, or anything like aging quicker, et cetera. Get creative with your curse.CM: My curse would be the retributional regression of every clever thing I ever thought of. My mind, art, and life would become the Midas Touch of Shit. Every time I have a good joke I botch the punchline, badly . Every time I think of something wise, I can only say things that make people question my retardation level. Every lesson I learn would make my drawings shittier, while I increasingly know better. The worst people I knew I would be who I hang out with, and we would make each other feel like burnt out husks. We would mock the happy . I would be trapped. I would hate my self. I would gain 800 lbs and move to the Midwest.
RMP: I put this in a story once, so this isn't off the top of my head or anything, but I think being cursed to see all people in any one group - old people, women, children, asians, or any other specific group of people - as vicious, rabid dogs would be one hell of a curse. You would be walking around terrified, yelling at strangers about how you don't want to be torn limb from limb, crying your fucking eyes out, and everyone else would just think you were racist against Hawaiian guys. That would be fucked up. This is why I don't drive. No accidentally killing gypsies for me, thank you.
12. Have you ever had any positive experiences with faith? Do any of your relatives ever pray for your undying soul? RMP: I actually still have a certain amount of faith in things bigger than myself, I just don't belong to any club. Faith is complicated and unique to each person, and I think that people should keep it to themselves. Yeah, people pray for me. Good for them.
CM: Ha! You hate my faith, you tried using your birthday wish for me to lose it! Yes, in the last year I have found a meditation practice that has been very strange and rewarding. Feeling those things, that inner calmness and simple joy. That right there has changed me, and given me enough optimism to try wild and crazy things, like this movie we are doing. Once while in a practice, I got to... Kinda... Meet some Buddhas. Enlightened spirits were stopping by and saying hello. We each got to meet some of our personal Buddhas, the ones who are guiding and rooting for each of us. I got Kwan Yin. She's really cool. She was going to ascend up to Heaven, but she heard all the crying out from our world, so she hung out. She carries around a vase and collects all of our tears. That's her back story. She can turn Hell into Heaven, just by being there. I wonder if she was a comedian. Once, in practice, She came into me and I felt her essence in my body. I automatically went into an extreme posture, my sipne bent back,as much as it would go. Much more than I knew it could. My arms and sholders also went straight back and out. My sternum was even busted open a bit. Kwan Yin is so big when she fills me up. I felt like a Care Bear, just shooting out love from my heart. My shaman said he was getting a half chub from it. I tend to give people boners when I am doing enegery sharing. I don't think too many of my family is religious. MY Grandma is Catholic, but probably not enough to pray for my soul.
13. You die and find out that God exists, he is a man in a robe, he has a beard, he flooded the world way back when, et cetera, but deep down he likes your blasphemous bat-shit-crazy ways and lets you build your own heaven. What's it like? Who are the first five people you let in?RMP: I would live in fiction, able to jump from one movie to another, and into books, comics, cartoons, the whole works. I would interact with my favorite characters, see what happens in their lives after the credits roll, and then rewind everything and change it, over and over and over again. I would let in other super creative people, like Michel Gondry, and probably my friend Jacob, because he would be willing to go all dark with me and make creepy scary worlds full of monsters and witches for us to fight against. I would have a fucking ball. here's hopin', huh?
CM: It's a lot like Portland, but we all have money. And In Heaven, the best choices for MVAAM (most valuable angle assed motherfucker) are evaluated by how many other people you can trick into Heaven! You have to trick people up with jokes! Its pretty fun. You would have to earn food with wtticisms, and my good jokes would earn me steak and whiskey. You get a big sloppy burrito. And on the walk home, if you pet a certain dog at the park, you get a nice drunk on! It takes a particular Unicorn to get a weed high offa, but he's cool, so long as you keep your palms flat. Goes by "Doobie Horn." It is also easy to get laid in Heaven. Your thoughts turn into genitals, warm and pretty, and they take care of you. Heaven is so cool. I would let in.... You, Me, (Xx) (XY) (X) (X) (XXX) and then kick the last two out.
14. Which would be worse? To have just a cock head and no shaft? Or like a shark bit off your gland so all you had was a shaft, just like a dick stick? (it still has a pee hole, just no elegance).RMP: Who have you been talking to? Whatever she told you is bullshit, and she is a goddamn liar. She doesn't know what she's talking about. This is stupid. I don't want to talk about this, because it's dumb and not true at all.
CM: This is a hard one... Since I dont really know what having a real dick of my own is like... How nice is the Gland to have? Probably pretty nice... I feel like the dick stub thing would have been more in vogue like 10 years ago, in the JACKASS era. Still, at least the acorn of a penis is still intact... I guess I would do that, and just take the pervasive shame over the trauma of a shark biting my dick. Cus what kinda guy would I have to be for that to happen?
15. We all know Oprah is a shitty, uppity, no-good cunt who exploits people's sadness for ratings, but what I want to know is if you could be any animal what would it be and why? Not all the time of course, because that would totally blow, but in a were____ sort of way. And don't say werepug, or werewolf, or wereman, werewoman, weremare, or werecat. All of those are off limits. Also, no wereOprah. Also off limits.RMP: I would be a werecoon or a were fox, because racoons and foxes are cute and awesome, but a little vicious too. If those are too close to werewolves, then I suppose I would be a werebat, because just chilling in the corner sleeping could be pretty cool. I don't really like animals all that much. Also, yeah, Oprah is terrible. The only thing worse than Oprah are her viewers, getting off on the suffering of strangers. Blechh.
CM: I like Oprah! She is bit uppity, a lil, but it's also in a way of by-gone politeness... She's lovely. Do I have to be a real animal? And not one that I believe in, that you do not? Hrm. Something fun. Like a big Blue Assed Whale. Not a giant squid, that's too glamorous. Not a shark, that's been done. Not krill, how would I even know? But something massive, wet, murky, and simple. What does it take to make a Big Assed Whale, go "Hey?" a lot. I kept wanting to capitalize "Big", "Assed", and "Whale". Whales are a big deal. That's why we call them "Whales". That's me.
That's it! That's the interview! What have we learned? We learned that Riley Michael Parker would rather fuck Larry David than Woody Allen, that Carolyn Main has most likely already run over and been cursed by a gypsy, and that certain things are best kept ourselves!
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